A: Oh God. (laughs)

Q: Have you seen Jacob Christner's penis and is he telling the truth?

A: I have not, thank the Sweet Baby Jesus, seen Jake's penis and my gut feeling is that he's lying through his teeth. I don't know if it's Gallo's penis or not. The dick and his face are never in the same shot. I have been told, by people who probably should know, that the real penis double was a guy named Matt McAuley, who's the bass player in a band called ARE Weapons. He was dating Chloe at the time so him doing it would probably make the most sense. However, I don't know if that scenario's the case and I certainly wouldn't wanna come out and finger Matt's penis, so to speak, as "the culprit." But looking at pictures of him, his arms more closely match the arms of the guy in "Brown Bunny" than Jake's. Jake is also much paler, through certainly that's something that could've been doctored with make-up and color correction in post. But my vibe is that it isn't Jake. Everything Jake does, on-screen and in real-life, comes across with a certain awkward, robotic clunkiness. The guy who had his cock in Chloe's mouth, at least from the neck down, seemed to exude rock star-like confidence. He was working it in a way that I doubt Jake ever could. Plus I like to think that Miss Sevigny has higher standards than that. She probably wouldn't let Jake's dick anywhere near her face. Or any other part of her body for that matter.

Q: Here's what Vincent Gallo had to say about Jake in an interview with The Gawker: “It’s odd having so many men obsessed with my penis. If I had a more normal-sized penis, none of this would have ever happened. I have never met Jacob Christner…his lie and fantasy is strange, though, as there was a woman, Mrs. Christner, who I think had a son named Jacob. Her job was to blow me all day long while I set up the cameras and lights. Mrs. Christner was a great sport, she also helped me rehearse for my newest film, Mrs. Christner’s First Anal. Strange Jacob would dream of being my body double, knowing what his mom did and all.”

A: (laughs) Well, I do know that Jake is very close to his mom. She calls him like eighteen times a day.

Q: Have you talked to Gallo about this?

A: Nope. I think he's awesome though. "Buffalo 66" was a brilliant piece of filmmaking and I like his style. One of the few guys with balls out there.

Q: Where exactly did you find Jake, if you don't mind me asking?

A: Uhhh...Christ. Jake...Jake was this guy that Danny [Lashley], Dan Chernau, and I encountered probably three-and-a-half, four years ago. He was just this goofy guy who fancied himself a writer and an actor and who desperately wanted to be in the film industry. And you know, you meet people like that all the time. Some of them have talent. Some of them don't. But nine times out of ten, if they have desire and a certain level of confidence and a sense of professionalism, then you look at them and think, 'Well, maybe this person shouldn't be in front of the camera, or writing scripts, or running a film crew, but hey...maybe they have something to offer.' You look for that one trait they display that might allow them to get a foot in. That will allow them to at least contribute something. Then maybe they'll pick up other skills, maybe they'll advance and grow. Jacob Christner had absolutely no marketable skills or talent whatsoever. He was the worst actor I had ever seen. Or no, lemme amend that, because I've seen some pretty horrible actors. He was one of the worst actors I had ever seen. Never "in the moment." Hell, not even "in the whole hour." So off-note, so unreal, so godawful that I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. And his scripts? Okay, in that case, I can actually say with confidence that he wrote the absolute worst scripts I had ever read. And the way he behaved in terms of networking and dealing with people in the industry was so off-putting that people literally would come to me after I introduced him to them and say, "Is that guy for real? Did I just get 'Punked?' Am I on the 'Jamie Kennedy Experiment?'

Q: No way.

A: Yes 'way.' So very definitely 'way.' But you know it's funny. He had this one script where he had written the lead character as a role for himself to play. And the character was this college graduate who gets a job at an inner-city high school and steers the poor black kids away from drugs and gangs by teaching them tae kwon do or whatever the fuck it was supposed to be about. But anyway, at one point in the script, there was this scene where Jake's character reads five whole pages straight from Beowulf. Just utter wank bullshit. Something only a retard would do. And like, a year or so after I read Jake's script, I was at this filmmaker's house, with Danny, Dan, and Matt Meiners in fact, and we saw this horrible -- and I do mean horrible -- indie thing shot for straight-to-video called "Whisper." And lo and behold, it had an almost identical scene in it, a looong, rambling, psuedo-intellectual Beowulf discussion, and I almost fell off my chair. It was hysterical. I just figured this was the new trend among brain-damaged "screenwriters."

Q: So you say Jake had this script about a guy counseling inner city black kids...is that something he knew anything about?

A: No, not at all. And we called him on it. "Jake, write what you know." But he wanted to write these things as if he had all the answers to every question in the world. Which, I guess, if you wanna get technical, truly is what Jake is. The type of person who thinks he has all the answers when he doesn't. Jacob Christner is the most clueless human on the planet and yet is so strident in his "beliefs," which nine times out of ten are just things he regurgitates from talk radio or the Internet or listening to the opinion of someone he respects or who he thinks will advance his "career." So subsequently, he keeps getting himself into these situations where he's completely in over his head, then he bails rather than trying to fix things.

Q: How so?

A: He decided he was gonna become "an entertainment promoter." He booked a pro wrestling show in Florida through this guy named Ron Niemi, who worked briefly in Ted Turner's wrestling company. And keep in mind, at the time, he was using a fake name, "Jake Slater." Why, I dunno. But he's done that before. "Jake McClain" is another of his fake names. So he booked this wrestling show, had no idea as to how to promote it properly, then when he realized that he was in over his head, he bailed on it. Ran like a little girl. Didn't cancel it a week in advance. Or a day in advance. He just didn't show up. No one got paid and all these big, beefy wrestlers went gunning for him. They were gonna find him and beat his hollowed-out head in with baseball bats, as if they even needed the weapons to begin with.

Q: Was that the end of his days as "an entertainment promoter?"

A: Of course not. He later tried to "promote," or "manage," some Elvis impersonator. (laughs) He gets this guy to sign on with him, then, as an afterthought, picks up the phone and calls me. "Richard, how exactly do I get this guy gigs?" It was amazing. And just recently, Jake started working for some company called XCalibre Entertainment out of Atlanta. The guy who runs it is some former DirectTV distributor who put Jake in charge of his "music division." Well, that's funny, because Jake knows nothing about music. He doesn't own any CD's. He doesn't have FM radio in his car. His entire life has been devoid of music. But he gets this job where he's supposed to be lining up musical acts and selling them to the public and once again, he has no clue, no aptitude, and no great passion for what he's supposed to be doing. Naturally, he calls me up, calls Danny up, and point blank, asks for our contact lists. He wants the names and numbers of all the bands on the "Communication Breakdown" soundtrack. We basically told him to go fuck himself.

Q: How did he worm his way into your movie if he's such a bad actor?

A: Long story.

Q: I ain't going nowhere.

A: (laughs) Okay, well...here's the deal. Jake comes from a rich family. Several generations. Construction companies. Rock quarries. His older brother's like this financial whiz. His sister was in the CIA. Pretty brilliant, accomplished people. Jake was like the disappointment of the family. The unfortunate side effect. Which I think is probably part of his problem. He had a learning disability or social disorder or whatever as a child and rather than dealing with it honestly, I think the family, probably out of a sense of shame, just kind of ignored it, hid it, whatever. But they threw enough money at him to keep him alive, keep him busy, whatever. So he comes to us, says he wants to make a movie. We're like, "Well, Jake...we're kinda busy with our own stuff." He's like, "Okay, lemme invest." And we're thinking, "Oh God, we can't do this, 'cause he's gonna wanna take over, he's gonna want input, and the guy's a talentless idiot." But (shrugs), this is indie film...so we relent...take his money anyway...on the provision that he stays off the set, doesn't have any creative control, and that we own the footage, the copyrights, the whole shooting match. Surprisingly, he goes along with that, we make these shorts, slap his name on 'em, everything's fine. We're all like, "Hey, we dodged a bullet there." A few months later, while we're getting ready for "Communication Breakdown," he comes to Danny and me. Now he wants to direct a trailer for one of his scripts. Wants to use it to show to investors or whatever. "Well...okay, Jake. Here's what we'll do. We'll line up the locations, the equipment, the crew, maybe find you some actors, yada yada. Then you can come in and do the actual gig. We just don't want our names on it."

Q: What happened?

A: The same thing that happened to the wrestlers. He bailed.

Q: Why didn't you wash your hands of him at that point?

A: Stupidity maybe? I dunno. I mean, fuck, I've always brought home strays. S'why I always have so many goddamn pets I don't need. I'm kind of a sucker for that shit. But you know, we did sort of back off from using Jake in anything after that. We still talked to him. Critiqued his writing. Actually tried to teach him something, but it was all to no avail. But we didn't rip him a new ass simply because we didn't think there was really anything malicious in his actions. We just thought he was hooked up wrong. It drained the life out of us to deal with him, and we damn sure didn't want his name attached to our work, but we kept on trying to help him.

Q: So how'd he get in CB?

A: Uhhh...I think Danny just wanted to choke him.

Q: (laughs)

A: Seriously. I think that Danny [Lashley] just wanted to give a gift to me and Dan [Chernau] and everyone we know who has had to deal with Jake over the years. And I think Danny wanted to live out a personal fantasy. Choking Jake, whether it was technically real or not, sort of became this mythological rite. The Golden Sacrifice. A symbol of the suffering of my people. It was just something that had to be done. Something we could make real and maintain as a keepsake for our efforts.

Q: Did he realize this?

A: No. Jake doesn't "realize" much of anything.

Q: How did Jake handle himself on the set?

A: (starts shaking uncontrollably)

Q: You okay?

A: Where do I even start? There's a scene we were shooting at like three in the morning, something like twelve or thirteen takes. We're all tired. We're all edgy. Finally, everything goes right. The actors hit their lines. There are no equipment malfunctions. We're almost home. All the sudden, we hear this tinkling noise. Jake, in his infinite knowledge of how things work on a set, has entered the restroom immediately adjacent to the lobby where we're doing the radio office scenes and begins to take a piss. We're all just standing there looking at each other. Tinkle. Tinkle. Tinkle. Tinkle. Pause. Tinkle. Flush. Zip. Belt buckle rattle. Footsteps. Door opens. Jake walks out, that perpetual goofy look on his face, just standing there. "JAKE!!!!!!!!!"

Q: Omigod.

A: What else? He creeped out Aleks West so bad she told him she was a lesbian. He was standing so close to Satu Rautaharju at the craft services table that she literally snuck out the back door just so she could eat a sandwich. We even had the pics of that on our website at one point. And of course there was the situation where Jake followed Blair Peery around all day, repeating the phrase, "I'm Lewis."

Q: Huh?

A: Yeah, that's another thing. He wanted to audition for the role of the Reverend Lewis Conquest, the self-loathing gay preacher who persecutes homosexuals. Sends in this ridiculous audition tape. Horrible, wooden line reading. At the end of the scene, he's supposed to hit a CD, which the character thinks is a gospel song but is in reality a song with sexually explicit lyrics that Danny's character has snuck in the CD player when Lewis isn't looking. In the audition, Jake hits a tape recorder and all we hear is a Spanish language instruction tape. We're like, "What the fuck was that?" He's like, "Well, I don't actually have any music tapes."

Q: (stares blankly)

A: But anyway, we wound up casting John Michael Burgess, who to be perfectly honest, we had never seen act. We basically cast him blindly, but knew in our guts that he would do a great job. And he did. Which absolutely fucking killed Jake. You could see him seethe everytime John Burgess' name was mentioned. So Blair gets there, and Blair's the workhorse. He's playing three separate roles. He's helping out on the set in other ways. He's battling a cold. He's just tremendous. And Blair's one of the nicest, most personable people you'd ever wanna meet. Just great to have on the set for morale purposes alone. But Jake latches onto him and starts following him around all day, going "I'm Lewis...I'm Lewis...I'm Lewis."

Q: What the hell?

A: I didn't even know about it until after Jake had wrapped. Danny and John were close to snapping on him.

Q: Sheesh. So what is "The Trouble With Women?"

A: Some short film idea Jake stole from Danny. It was one of Lashley's throwaway ideas. Danny came up with the story and Jake basically just ripped it off right under his nose and started writing one of his shit scripts. He wanted us to help him make it but we were like "no fucking way." But then, some things changed in my life. I was in the process of editing CB and I was living with this difficult, some would say insane, woman at the time, and I needed to get out of that particular situation. So I was like, "Okay, Jake. Here's the deal. You wanna make a film. You need some guidance. Here's what we can do. We'll help you out a little. Take no credit whatsoever for whatever we do, then you let us follow you and your crew around with cameras and document it for a reality-TV pilot."

Q: Priceless.

A: So we rented this house and started a project-within-a-project. Jake directing "The Trouble With Women." Danny and myself doing a reality pilot on the making of Jake's film. We called it "Jake Hollywood." We were seeing it as Ed Wood-meets-William Hung. Of course we didn't tell him that. We were just gonna do it straightforward and let it unfold. It would've been the funniest, strangest reality show ever.

Q: What happened this time?

A: Same old thing. "Jake Slater" reared his ugly, malformed head. He didn't have a clue. I got him a camera. A Director of Photography. A location. Lights. Helped him fix his script. Offered to edit it properly for him. Got him an actor. The only actor he even wound up shooting. And poor Mike Melendez. He's a great guy and a talented actor. I don't think he realized what a goof Jake was until it was too late. But the point is, I saved him thousands of dollars.

Q: Did he get anything right?

A: The guy has no grasp of anything. Anything. For example...okay...the camera's pointed at the door. The action is for the actor to enter frame and answer the door. Jake demands that everyone sitting at a kitchen table, which is behind the camera, a good fifteen feet out of frame, clear out. We're staring at him like, "What the fuck?" He goes over, starts moving items off the table. "Uhhh, Jake, why are we doing this?" He's like, "Well, he's coming from the bedroom...he's gonna be walking past the kitchen table on the way to the door." "But Jake, we don't see that action." Jake just stands there, confused. "All you have to worry about, Jake, is what's happening in the frame. Unless there's some sort of lighting issue taking place in the frame as a result of what's happening at the kitchen table, why are you worried about that?" "Well, Richard, because he passes the table and I don't want people to see you guys and the food on the table." "Jake...the table isn't in goddamn frame at any point!!!!" His head just turns sideways like a fucking dog.

Q: Sweet lord.

A: But that was the way the whole shoot was. I was like, "Jake, make a checklist of all this equipment I got you, so you don't leave anything behind." "No, Richard, it's fine. I have it alllll in my head." We get 70 miles down the road and realize the lights aren't in the van. Turns out he piled his dorky looking clothes on top of them and forgot to bring them out.

Q: (laughs)

A: So many incidents like that. We kept stopping at this gas station. Same gas station everyday. And there was this sign on it. "Pay Before Pumping." Every time, without fail, Jake would stand there and sneer at the lady behind the counter. "Turn on the puuuump. Ugh!" Then he'd go stick his head in the door, "Turn on the puuuump." Head back out. She'd just be standing there cause she ain't gonna play his shit. Finally Danny or I would have to point out to him that there's a sign right in front of him and he'd go in and pay, acting all indignant.

Q: This is just sad.

A: Another gas station story. We stopped at this one place where they also sold pizzas. So we decided we'd go in and get something to eat. Jake had just pumped gas and he hops out of the truck. We're like "Jake, shouldn't you move the truck?" He's like, "Nah, it'll be alright." Closes the door. We get out. "Uhhh, Jake...we mean, shouldn't you move the truck so that anyone else who needs to pump gas can?" He's like "Oh...yeah, right." Goes back to the truck like he's gonna move it. Gets distracted by something.

Q: Something shiny?

A: Obviously. But he sits there for a second, then gets back out of the truck and heads inside with Danny and me. Just leaves it there in front of the pump.

Q: (shaking head)

A: He had this habit of being rude for no reason to people who worked at fast food places, which is a) stupid, because they'll piss in your Pepsi, and b) you'd think he'd know better since he spent enough time working in those establishments. But we'd go to places. Order shit. We'd get back and my order would be in the bag and his order wouldn't. He'd call em. They'd be like "Bring us your receipt and we'll take care of it." He'd look at the receipt and they didn't even ring up his order.

Q: So after all this trouble, Jake bailed.

A: Yup. Right in the middle of the project. He called me to inform me that he was moving in with some married couple in Atlanta. Was "working on some stuff" there. Same horseshit. Stuck me with the lease. Made me scramble. Kept calling and whining about how he was going broke, was gonna starve. Which was bullshit because it got back to me that he had cashed a $15,000 CD the day after I took over the rent. Lying snake-in-the-grass retard. Which is exactly why I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth about Vincent Gallo or any project that he's "committed" to...or anything else for that matter. He's a no-talent dipshit who lives in his own reality. He's delusional and I can't believe I wasted that much time on him.

Q: Not the type of guy who's dick a self-respecting actress would suck.

A: Infuckingdeed.